When was the last time you had a real date?

If you can’t remember that far back, you probably can’t remember the last time you had a full night’s sleep either. It’s time you put on your own oxygen mask and that of your partner’s, before you run out of air. If you don’t take care of yourselves, you won’t be able to take care of your children. The greatest gift you can give your children is loving yourselves and each other. They bathe in that love and feel safe.

Parents of gifted children are gifted children with grown-up responsibilities. I know you take those responsibilities very seriously. Like your children, you are sensitive, intense, and perfectionistic. You want to be perfect parents, doing all the right things for your children, making sure all their needs are met. You have child-friendly homes, carefully study the right school options, and place your children in the best educational environment you can afford. If they have other special needs and talents, you bend over backwards to obtain therapy or lessons or both. You probably spend half your life in the car, transporting your children to various extra-curricular activities, to make certain that they have well-rounded lives.

At the end of the day you’re too exhausted to even read the paper. If you have a highly active gifted child or several of them, you are on alert 24-hours a day, spending most of your time attending to the latest crisis. And if your child is a non-sleeper, you are condemned to night after night of sleep deprivation besides. You long for blessed sleep.

If you hold a full-time job, all of this pressure is multiplied tenfold. Even if you have traditional gender-based roles, with one partner responsible for being the major breadwinner, and the other responsible for raising the children, the pressure is still there for both partners. The caregiver feels guilty for not using his or her skills and training to ease the financial burden. These children are expensive to raise. The breadwinner feels guilty for not being more help with the children. And both may resent the other’s lack of appreciation of how hard their jobs are. Guilt and resentment, on top of worry, exhaustion, and sleep deprivation, do little for your love lives.

The blessings that come with giftedness are an unusual amount of energy, ingenuity, and sense of humor. Without these, you’d be lost. But even these can wane if you are feeling lonely and unloved.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? Then please read on, try some of the suggestions in this column, write your own ideas and support each other in our gifted adult discussion group, and let me know if any of these ideas help keep your love alive. I’ll add more from time to time, so please check periodically for new information or to remind yourself that you haven’t tried one of these ideas yet.

Nearly 40 years ago, when we lived in California, I remember some advice I heard from Beverly King, who started the California Association for the Gifted (CAG). She recommended to parents of gifted children that they take periodic get-aways to preserve their marriages. She said it was essential. Bev was right. It is essential. You need each other as much as your children need you. Never forget that.You came together out of love and your children were born of that love. Take out your wedding picture or a picture of the two of you when you were dating. Keep it next to your bed as a reminder of the depth of caring you have for each other. That caring has not diminished. It just feels that way because parenting can be such an overwhelming experience that you have temporarily forgotten.It’s time to remember the love. If you are harboring anger, resentment, guilt or fear, forget those. They don’t serve you. They rob you of loving feelings that enable you to receive the love you deserve. And you do deserve love. Forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive each other. You both did the best you could do at that moment and it is time to move on. By letting go of the past, you can allow the present and future to be different. Look how forgiving you are of your children. Over and over and over again. Can you not forgive the child in yourself or the child in your partner? Make a pledge to each other never to go to bed angry. Talk it over, listen to each other, promise to try harder, and hold each other.Do you really think 15 or 20 lbs. makes you less attractive and lovable? Think again. I’m 50 lbs. heavier than I was when I was on my wedding day, and it has made no difference at all. If you are ashamed of your body, you radiate shame instead of love. While you are thinking, "You couldn’t possibly be attracted to me at this weight," you are conveying, "I’m not attracted to you." This becomes a self-defeating cycle. Let go of that yoke. Don’t let the Hollywood stereotype of beauty rob you of your ability to appreciate your own beauty. Dress up tonight."There’s never enough time!" That’s true for all of us, and time gets scarcer every day. Let the email go, let the dishes wait until tomorrow, turn the phone off, turn the television set off, tell the children you need alone time—even if they aren’t tired, lock your bedroom door, and spend 15 minutes every single day just being together. Hold each other. Put on some music and dance. Light candles. Cry together. But put each other first for 15 minutes every single day. You will be amazed at how much more energy you both will have.If you can’t create any privacy in your home, then become email sweethearts. Don different personalities, and write each other love notes. Set up a special place for a luncheon rendezvous while the children are at school.

Surprise each other! Once a week do something that is guaranteed to delight your partner. Not only is this fun, it also feeds your Soul while it renews your commitment to each other. Have fun. That is an order!

Linda Silverman

Other Columns:

Lessons from Aslan

What Can We Say to the Children?

Hail to Our Heroes

Unconditional Love

A Letter to Gifted Children