This column first appeared immediately following September 11, 2001.

The staff at the Gifted Development Center extends our condolences to all of you who lost loved ones in the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.  We all feel a sense of loss, even if we did not know personally those who lost their lives.  We grieve their passing, and the terrible toll this has taken on their families, friends, and acquaintances.  We also grieve the loss of our country’s innocence—the assurance we felt that it couldn’t happen here.  We pray for peace and an end to terrorism in the world, rather than blind retaliation.

As gifted individuals, we are at greater risk for depression in difficult times.  We are all suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), so we have to be especially kind to each other.  All of us witnessed the crashing of those planes into the World Trade Center towers, and experienced the anguish as if we had been physically in New York.  Those pictures are not going to go away for us or for our children.  There was no way to shield the children from this national disaster.  Instead, we need to help them cope with it.  They can be helped by allowing them to express their feelings freely within a safe environment. 

Our children are deeply sensitive, and when other children their age no longer seem concerned, gifted children will be trying to understand the significance of what happened on a deeper and deeper level.  Their questions, nightmares, fears, and desire to take action are likely to continue for many months.  Some will have delayed reactions.  It will be important for parents, grandparents, teachers, and all who interact with them to be prepared to continue to process the event with them—even when we, too, would like to put it all behind us. 

I do not have any magic solutions as to how to deal with our children’s concerns.  But I would like to offer some general guidelines.  Please take what is useful to you and ignore the rest.  Each child is different, and you must trust your own inner wisdom about the best way and time to approach your child.

Over the next several months, pay close attention to any changes you see in your child’s eating or sleeping habits.  Loss of appetite often signifies depression.  Sleeping longer than usual, or less than usual, can also be signs of depression.  Listlessness and lack of motivation are additional signs.  If you notice any of these changes, encourage your child to talk to you about his or her thoughts.  Be totally present.  Your child may need more assurance, be clingier, be less motivated to try new things, and have more fear of being alone or sleeping alone.  These are normal reactions for children who are suffering from stress.  Provide as much support as you can.  These behaviors will disappear when your child feels safe.  This is not the time for tough love.

Spend more time with your child—playing, visiting, going on errands together, cleaning the house, singing silly songs, watching movies, talking, and just observing.  Having you close by at this time adds to your child’s sense of security.  Observe your child’s play activities.  Are you noticing any unusual acting out or aggression?  If so, encourage your child to talk about the feelings behind the actions.  Bring out art materials, and encourage drawing, painting, sculpting with clay, etc.  Art is very therapeutic, and helps release pent-up emotions that can’t be expressed in other ways.

Try to deal with your own fears as constructively as possible.  You are your child’s role model.  If you are immobilized by fear, your child may mimic you.  Be as playful and hopeful as you can.  Watch funny videos.  Play relaxing music.  Meditate.  Buy flowers.  Do fun things as a family.  These will reassure your child that your family is not in immediate danger.  Talk about the precautions that are being taken at airports now to assure that planes are safe.  Let your children know you will be there to take care of them.

Whenever you leave home, be sure to leave a written note in a prominent place about where you’re going and how you can be reached. This is a good time to buy a magnetic wipe-off board for the fridge.  If there is even the slightest chance that you’ll be running late, tell your family to expect you to be home later than you actually think you’ll be, and then surprise them by coming home earlier.  If you are like me, and you tend to run late, you need to realize that each minute beyond your promised time of arrival is likely to increase your child’s anxiety. This is an ideal time to develop a new habit.

Limit television exposure.  Violent movie commercials may trigger fear from the unforgettable image of buildings crashing to the ground.   It is not necessary to discuss the recent events with your child, unless your child initiates the discussion. However, if you are seeing increased aggression, it would be best to talk about what lies behind the aggression, and provide other outlets for dealing with aggressive feelings (e.g., hitting a pillow, writing out thoughts, drawing, running, swimming, throwing a ball, etc.).

When questions arise, be honest, but not pessimistic.  Ask your child what he or she thinks before offering your opinion.  It’s OK to say, “I don’t know,” because we don’t know much at this point.  Share your hopes about the positive impact this might have, rather than your worst fears.  Here are some positive effects that I have observed:

1. Our country has become more united—more capable of working together.
2. The world appears to be becoming more unified.  Most countries depend on America’s strength and want to see us safe from harm.
3. People are being kinder to each other.  We are all victims of PTSD.
4. Drivers are more patient than they were before this crisis.  Road courtesy has improved.
5. People talk to each other more and give more eye contact to each other.
6. This event has made us more appreciative of our loved ones and friends.
7. Many people are re-assessing their priorities, placing relationships above work.

Look for these effects, point them out to your children, and have them look for these and other positive signs.  A commentator, Max Lucado, noted, “This is a different country than it was a week ago.”  People are less self-centered, more people are volunteering to help others, and goodness is growing in America.   These are encouraging observations to share with your children.  It helps ease the pain to know that some good came out of this.

In response to the inevitable question, “Why did this happen?” talk about how some people try to solve problems by hurting others when they don’t know how to solve them in other ways.  As we learn how to resolve conflicts with words, with agreements, and by believing that it is possible for everyone to win, we will have less violence in the world.  Talk about the hurtful things that happen in the family and on the playground.  Brainstorm ways that these problems can be dealt with without physically or emotionally hurting others.  Avoid getting into lengthy discussions about politics.

Your children are likely to want to do something to help.  Brainstorm ways they can be of service.  The Vermont Teddy Bear Company is donating 500 bears (angel bears, policeman bears, and firefighter bears) to be given to the children of policemen, firefighters, and rescue workers who lost their lives. You can go to the website, select a bear, and write a message to the child and family which the Vermont Teddy Bear Company will deliver with the bears. It is free, you don't have to buy the bears, the company is donating them, but they want messages from all over the country to send with the bears. The website is:  http://www.virtualbeargram.com/september11.html

The other site particularly for children has patterns and directions for making paper doll friends to send to the children and families affected. That website is at: http://www.makingfriends.com/helping_children.htm

Read Barbara Lewis’ books for ideas about how children can help others.  Barbara is a teacher of the gifted. These books include: 

Tv    The Kids’ Guide To Social Action:  How To Solve The Social Problems You Choose—And Turn Creative Thinking Into Positive Action; 

Kv    Kids With Courage; 

Yv    Young Lions: Ordinary Kids With Extraordinary Courage; 

Tv    The Kid’s Guide To Service Projects:  Over 500 Service Ideas For Young People Who Want To Make A Difference; 

Wv    What Do You Stand For? A Kid’s Guide To Building Character; Bv    Being Your Best:  Character Building For Kids 7-10.

Most of these books are available through Free Spirit Publishing Co. in Minneapolis.

At the Brideun School in Lafayette, Colorado, Director Marlo Rice had the children create paper chains right after this tragic event.  Each circle added to the chain was a way of adding love to the world.  The children spent hour after hour creating a long enough chain to encircle the school, and kept adding more chains.  It was a symbolic way for them to feel that they were doing something positive.  Many families lit candles, said prayers, donated money, donated blood, displayed flags, signed petitions, and some even went to New York as members of the Red Cross to provide crisis counseling to the afflicted.  It would be a good family activity to discuss ways everyone in the family can contribute to making this a better world.

If you or your child is immobilized by this attack, it would be wise to obtain counseling.  If you do not know of a counselor in your community, please contact the Gifted Development Center, and we will endeavor to locate someone in your state.  If you have had success with counselors who are sensitive to gifted issues, please email their names and contact information to the Center at gifted@gifteddevelopment.com so that we can add them to our list of possible counselors. 

Linda Silverman

Previous Columns:

• Eldering: Taking the Next Step
• Lessons from Aslan
• Confessions of a Non-Visual-Spatial Learner
• What Can We Say to the Children?
• Hail to Our Heroes
• Where Have All the Flowers Gone?
• Unconditional Love
• A Letter to Gifted Children